I’ve come to realize that I’m depressed. I’m also happy, by and large. It’s an odd combination. I don’t feel bad or sad, I just struggle with motivation to do anything besides hang out with Alicia.
And now she’s gone. Something came up and she suddenly needs to be in Medellín, so I took her to the airport yesterday morning, and by just after lunchtime, she was there. We’re hoping she can be back by the end of the month.
In the meantime, I plan to do a lot of work on the house. Last night I was going to get the study ready for painting. I did do a little work, but mostly I sat gloomily in my room. Tonight went better. I mowed the entire lawn (half an acre), ate some dinner, showered, and now I’m watching a Jimi Hendrix biography on a PBS station.
I can’t get enough of Jimi. Incredible skills, gorgeous music, brilliant mind, and apparently desperately insecure. I’ve watched Woodstock and Monterey Pops Festival and a couple of biographies, and would happily watch them again and again. Can you imagine that Monterey crowd, watching this largely unknown musician put on a totally mind-blowing show that culminated with him setting his guitar on fire and beating it to smithereens?
I wonder what it would have been like to see him on stage with Stevie Ray Vaughan. They’re 1 and 2 on my list of great guitarists.
One source of my depression has been my finances. The expenses of weddings, moving, bringing Alicia to the US, buying a house, and setting up our home were already pushing me deep into debt. Then having to replace the septic tank at my Texas lake house early last year, and losing the renters, has been crippling.
Fortunately, we now have a buyer for that house. It’s not a great price, but there’s no realtor involved so no commission to pay. Besides paying off a couple of debts with the equity, I won’t have that mortgage payment each month, and at least can break even. I don’t know if this will ease my depression or not. It’s got to help.
Last week I was in Oklahoma City for a two-day course with colleagues from all over the country. It was great to see them. I played ping-pong with Chinese, Egyptian, Iranian, Filipino, and American guys (won most games but got beat badly a couple of times). I had long talks with former coworkers from Dallas. It was very pleasant.
Apparently part of my depression stems from having no friends here in Tampa. Alicia and I have each other, but no one else, really. In Dallas I was always manic on Sundays when my kids came over. I’ve seen them twice since I moved here. I hope I can visit Dallas sometime this fall to spend time with them and my friends there.
So, boys and girls, having a happy marriage won’t necessarily prevent depression, although it’s a lot better than the alternatives.